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July 14, 2014

It’s a weird feeling: Calm but Stormy. Words fail to really describe the misery.

I feel calm but at the same time a pressure. Almost like a bottle full of… something. It seems calm but if you slightly touch it, it bursts. Maybe…

I feel horrible both mentally and physically. The racing thoughts are there, but go almost unnoticed as I can’t understand anything. They are like lines of code quickly scrolling across the screen (think code screens in The Matrix), but with no comprehension it becomes a background noise.

My mind is also like the eye of a hurricane… the waves roll but they are relatively calm compared to what threatens beyond the wall. I prepare for the approaching storm, but I have no energy left. I am trying to rebound from a relapse while trying to stave off the worst of the darkness that threatens to engulf me. I prepare knowing that it needs to be set up in case I can’t fight past my mind to do what I must to weather the continual storm. Many call it looking for attention. I don’t remember where, but someone once said that is what it is. It is not looking for attention just for the sake of having it, but looking for it for the sake of survival. Like being afloat in the ocean for days and hoping someone notices you and can help you escape. I tell my family and friends, this is where I am going, if I do not return, please come look for me and help me.

Sometimes just the preparing and knowing someone will look for you should you need it can help face the worst of it, even if it is just laying in bed all day. The other day I felt trapped since the people I considered on my support network where out of town and in my mind, out of reach, though they were not. I now aim to extend that network, like a burrower building multiple exits should a predator come looking for a meal. It’s hard asking for help, though, especially when you feel like a burden on everyone anyway. But the rational mind nudges me and doesn’t refuse to be so proud as to not use paranoia to get results. Fear is a great motivator, ask anyone with an anxiety disorder. “Fight or Flight.” That is the mind and body’s reaction, whether the situation calls for it or not. It is fear, even if the suffer themselves don’t know what it is they are afraid of. It is like being on the edge of a cliff where you cannot see the bottom, and someone is trying to push you over. Imagine that for a second. Wouldn’t you be afraid for your life? That is the fear that sets in during a panic attack, a fear for one’s life, a fear so great you will run and fight to get away. All thought other than getting away takes over. You get sick and tense. Your vision blurs and your hearing amplifies, picking up noises that may not even exist. It is a dreadful fear. Yes, I get that type of fear, sometimes just walking out my door. I can get it while grocery shopping, even going to an appointment. I especially get anxiety in a group of more than 5 people, whether I talk to them or not. Everyone is a potential enemy, someone whose sole purpose in life is to hurt me or my family. They look away but its a trap, they are trying to deceive you into letting your guard down.
That is the thought process I have… not every single time, but a good majority. Usually I can use rational mind skills to get through the worst, but it still takes its toll on both mind and body. If the place is new, its a coin flip… while I have a panic attack here? That in itself can cause an attack.


I got way off the subject I was meaning to write about, but I don’t even remember what I wanted to write about.


To those with family and friends that deal with a mental illness:

Words can be hurtful and helpful. Sometimes no words and just your presence is all that is needed. Think carefully but you don’t need to walk on egg shells either. Empathy doesn’t always come easily and it takes effort, but it is worth it. If you get angry, apologize and move forward. The sufferer will strive to do the same. Sometimes we say things we do not mean or even think, and it will add another scar to our already tortured mind. We will strive to apologize as well.


An article that finally helped me realize that help is not instant or impossible:
“You Do Not Know What Your Life Will Be Tomorrow” – Life Story from December 1st, 2000 The Watchtower

From → Musings

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