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July 19, 2014

It always worries me when I start to do “well”. Is it a manic episode? Is it really happening?

Yesterday, my family left for where they needed to be. I walked back into my house and sat down. The list of my support network and another list of my morning routine sat in front of me peeking from under the keyboard. The thoughts of worthlessness for staying home were worming their way into my mind. I felt defeated but knew this was the best.

I stared at my lists and started on the routine that I really don’t need the list for anymore as its mostly habit and bothers me if I do anything else without finishing it. My “newest” routine item, reading a portion of the bible, has been a goal for years, one that has come and gone but I could never get to stick. For almost 2 weeks now with only a few missed days I have done it. Reading is a passion of mine, but I don’t always have the fortitude to sit and read. I also have a hard time understanding that I need to do things at my own pace, not someone else’s or even to do things all at once. So I forced myself to read even a chapter or even a page, I didn’t need to read for an hour or entire book, just something. So I did. I felt great.

So I checked my addiction journal (a journal to keep track of whether I gave into harmful addictions and how strong the urge was to do them) and was able to mark off another day. I realized that being active with my son the day before had driven to the urges to almost nothing that day. Active. The advice therapists had been trying to get into my brain for years. I’m not lazy, I don’t think I am, since I like doing work with my hands as long as I don’t over do it, and I can get things done when I don’t feel like my body is made of concrete. I came up with a plan for the next few days. I will keep active. I went for a walk with my dog and mowed my very nearly overgrown lawn. It felt great to accomplish something and push myself. I was sore and tired, though. Alright, nap time. Push but don’t over do it. I wasn’t able to nap, but I was able to relax with a video game.

I set up activities for this weekend. Keep the mind busy and wear it out so that there is no energy for the negative thoughts. My goal is to not waste time on the internet… that is when bad things start to creep in. So in relax mode I need to push to read, play a game or meditate rather than sit idly on the computer, bored to tears. The thoughts still creep in, but I remain vigilante for now. I don’t know how long I can keep this up, but I will go as long as I can.

Setting up plans in case of emergencies, setting up activities and taking time to relax is feeling good. I have that thought in the back of my head that I am going manic and the depression will get me when its done, but my body is sore and tired and MY mind focused. I can let the racing thoughts to their own thing and focus on swatting away the negative things that come at me. No I am not manic and I am glad. The soreness of my body reminds me that my mind still wants to pull me down, and this I can deal with for now.

From → My Journal

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