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August 31, 2014

It always happens at the worst times… though in all fairness, having a “bad” day is a trigger for cravings so it makes sense. The pull doesn’t go away though, even in moments of… calm. It stays until relieved.

Like fighting a monkey on my back I pull and push and hit and bite, but no matter what I do, it clings on, biting and clawing back, but with built in weapons meant to do harm. Its a stronger fight and better at it, while I flail around.

I try to calm and center yourself and it latches on that much tighter. It begins to pull at me, leading me to a small cage. The cage will offer relief from the cravings but will enslave me once again to the addictions.

I pray but struggle to find the conviction to let my burden go to Jehovah. My words seem jumbled and slow. I want to give my burdens to Jehovah and let his Holy Spirit strengthen me to fight back. But the rottenness of my own heart urges me to give in, to take the easy way out and just live for the moment.

The question comes to mind, “Pleasure now or life later?”

A sweet voice whispers, “Pleasure” while flashes of my rotten desire go before my mind. I try and latch on to the consequences of giving in and the rewards of fighting back.

The voice whispers again, more seductive as an image forms in my mind’s eye. A beautiful woman comes into view. She is curvy with long black hair. Pierced nipples show through her hair that flows the length of her body. Her legs are smooth, open slightly to give a glimpse of her clean shaven vagina. Blue eyes stare back with an intensity. She resembles my wife in appearance, but with the rotten desires that years of looking at pornography have brought with it. The image is beautiful, but not perfect and this brings the image of my wife as she is now. My anchor to reality, the true perfection of beauty in my eyes. This allows the crack in the illusion to appear, to make me realize the succubus that my desires have conjured. Beauty only shows outward with these desires and underneath are full of pain and loathing.

My words seem no more full, but I know that my core is still there. My love for Jehovah and fear of displeasing him. My love for my wife and my standard of what true beauty is. My anchor is Jehovah and my lifeline, my wife. I must keep fighting, no matter what flashes before my eyes or what the sirens sing. I may not have the physical strength, but my resolve becomes more and more solid as the conviction sets in and Jehovah has something to bless.

If today all I can do is hold on to the edge of the cliff to keep from falling over, then so be it. Today’s problems have become this moment’s and instead of living day to day I must now live minute to minute.

The depression reaches in as my conviction comes to a resolution. Instead of the soft serenading voice of my addictions, it slams me and tries to beat through my walls. “What good is life without pleasure?” It screams. The meaning clear, but I laugh. I have come to far to fall for that again. But it’s a ploy for the real hit: “What good are you if you do nothing this day?”

Writing it out, I recognize its tactic, grateful that writing this has organized my surface thoughts, grateful to Jehovah for helping me see his viewpoint rather than through the lens of depression.

Its still not easy to sit here, the thoughts still bombarding at every chance, but once again the core of my heart pulses and reminds me, “I will not fail, for Jehovah is with me.”

From → My Journal

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