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Clutter and Tears

September 11, 2014

My train of thought is scattered but… forceful. I guess.

Everything around me seems cluttered. My desk is covered as is my table, floors and couch.  My life seems to have been thrown into a blender as well. Things I thought taken care of years ago are coming back. New problems with the house and life creep up at every turn.

Its a lot for many to handle and with an anxiety disorder, each pebble of a problem becomes a boulder. It doesn’t matter how insignificant the problem is in reality, the perception of it through the anxiety makes it a mountain. I want to scream, cry and curse in one breath.

It brings another war. A war of two in my head. The “real” me and the part of me that is angry, disillusioned, and distrustful of everyone and everything. I WANT to like people, and I actually do. I like helping and caring for others and making friends even if I am weird and very awkward even at my best. But life experiences mixed with years of depression and stress have left a foul stink. I do not trust easily or even fiercely. I act like I do, but inside I am skeptical, watching every move. Even the people I trust the MOST, fall under scrutiny when I… have bad days. Delusions and worst case scenarios flood my mind, leading to fear and anger.

Even in these times my rational mind… or the “real” me is screaming and crying that its not real. Outside I usually appear calm. The facade is well trained and ingrained so deeply into who I am its no longer in my control. It takes great effort to break through it and even when I do, to stay in control is difficult at best.

The walls and facade are coming up now as the days activities go into full swing. They block even my own thoughts from escaping my mind.


From → My Journal

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