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Energy Crisis

January 19, 2015

I have been meaning to write this for a few days, but as the title suggests, energy is fairly low.

Its a catch-22, this energy crisis. I know that if I do some constructive activities such as cleaning or organizing I feel better. The physical exertion gets the body going and keeps the mind occupied. I have no energy though. Each action I do take takes a monumental amount of energy. By the time I have gotten myself out of bed (just out of bed, feet on the floor, nothing else) my body feels like its been hit by a truck. Pain and soreness abound for hours, and that’s only if I do nothing else. When I get my kids ready for school, that burns through a good majority, if not all, my energy for the day.

Every muscle protests movement, every old wound, scar, or pain screams at me to stop. Even when I am feeling OK mentally (just a blah day rather than a “I hate everything” or “life is not worth it” day), the exhaustion is so great that sitting at a computer or in a recliner, or even laying in bed takes effort.

So I have no energy, but I know if I move I might feel better, if not physically I would at least have a sense of accomplishment. So in moving I might get a bit more kick, but I can’t get moving because… well, I can’t. In all of this, there is the kicker, my mind doesn’t shut down. It has its own power supply and moves at light speed whether I am depressed, manic, or neutral. While neutral or manic, this isn’t usually a problem. Any thoughts I do manage to catch I can turn away or reason on. If I can’t keep up completely I can at least contend or accept the thoughts I do keep up with. Depression is a different monster. Rather than a constant stream of information or thoughts flowing through my head, it becomes a monstrous beast that viciously attacks me any chance it gets. Negative thoughts and addictions (something of a theme for me) gain substance, while the darkness that envelops me brings out desires that the beast can feed on. The pain, loneliness and conflict in my head press harder and harder while I struggle desperately to find a way to counter it. Serenity or even calm are concepts lost within the turmoil, so pleasure takes front and center. Whether its fun in the way of games,  or physical pleasure in the way of eating or sex, the mind doesn’t care. The desires push and push for something, while my own mind riddles me with hopelessness.

I forget what is important to me, stopping at only the extremes. Games become a crutch rather than an interest. The addiction to pornography pushes its way in front of all else. It becomes difficult to think clearly, one small misstep and I could be lost to that world again.

My faith seems to shatter, but something remains. This last time I got close to giving in… I am getting better in comparison to year ago me, and while that is something to rejoice about, its not good enough, not to me anyway. I still got close if not over the line. Just because I didn’t run across the line head first doesn’t mean the sin is any less.

How do I contend with no energy of body but an unstoppable mind that is out for me? Welcome to depression.

From → My Journal

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