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Deeper and Deeper

April 30, 2015

Well, I SHOULD be able to tell myself I definitely have depression. Without guilt or shame of doing something wrong, I feel miserable and cranky. My thoughts are clouded behind thunderous negativity, while my rational mind comes and goes, not of its own will.

I find solace in the scriptures, and it gives me true comfort and even a means to cry (from how much I know God cares and love humans… and even me). While the comfort and strength are always there, the “thorn” begins to block it almost immediately. Negative thoughts press in, while rage boils for no apparent reason. I feel as though I am completely worthless. To see examples of others go through so much worse than I, and here I am feeling sorry for myself, angry and everyone and everything. Comfort becomes twisted in my own head as I cannot grasp a WHY. I am worthless, why would God care for me? How can he care? How can anyone care for me?

I have moments of… peace… I think. Masks and barriers, built to protect those on the outside, but unable to help me. It prevents the worst of the anger from escaping, but I still struggle. I still want to give up… to give in and just let the words fly. I already have “wild talk”, but maybe, just maybe, letting out the flood of harmful words will make me feel better… I know it won’t, thus the masks do their job.

Its painful though… not physical pain, but a pain that cannot be described. Its pain that etches itself throughout my body, pain that pulses and grows. I know others suffer worse than I, that I have it really well, that I COULD do better… its a pain that comes with knowing these things, but feeling low anyway… feeling worthless and faulty…

I cannot do what I want to do, there is no known physical reason I cannot, and mentally, “all” it is is a chemical imbalance. Its hard to fathom, even for those that have a mental illness… that the body and mind WILL NOT respond because a series of molecules can’t do what they are supposed to on a cellular level. I guess you could describe it like having low oil in a vehicle… nothing works right… but it doesn’t help, as the illness feeds on itself, a true perpetual illness. The more aware you are of what is going on, the worse you feel for not being able to battle it.

I scream inside, constantly clawing at nothing, trying to find a way out.

The only way out is through Jehovah… he has given us hope.

I sit here, again, looking like a fairly healthy person, but I feel as if I am hollow, my body refuses to move, and beats me if I do.

My “cycle” seems to be following its normal pattern this year. My cycle seems odd. Many get depressed in winter… summer is my worst time, and the change of seasons bring a change in me. I hate roller coasters… but I have no choice on this one…

From → My Journal

One Comment
  1. I feel the same way with my anger. I can relate.

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