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I am a horrible, good-for-nothing person

May 6, 2015

I am forcing myself to write. I have wanted to for a few days now, I have even opened the editor a few times, but nothing ever came out. So here I am…

I feel like a horrible person. I sit here, angry and on the verge of tears. Why? No reason. Seriously. Its the “classical” depression symptoms, but that doesn’t keep me from feeling like I am a lazy, good-for-nothing, a**hole that can’t do anything right.
Never mind the evidence that my children are playing peacefully, and eating supper, and have clean clothes. I feel horrible because I have been sitting here for two days, seemingly doing absolutely nothing but playing games and/or just trying to get by each second.

This last weekend was great. I knew I wasn’t out of my depressive phase yet as it just started not to long ago, but I had a couple of good days. My family and I got out and planted small starter garden. It has a few vegetables, a couple of fruits and some flowers. It was a lot of work (and a lot of money…) but was enjoyable to be doing something as a family and outside. As I tend to stay away from sunlight, I felt this depressive phase was different from others… I was feeling like crap but willing to keep moving.

I should have known it was very temporary on the first day. I was exhausted from doing… well, nothing. I was sick of sitting around, though, so we got going. After two days, we have what we hope is a functional garden that will give us a few food items around the end of the summer. I was worn and weak, but it felt good to get out and felt even better to do something with my family other than sit around with them.

It hit me yesterday, hard. I woke up hurting. At first I thought it was the muscle pain one feels after a good workout, but as the day went on I remembered that when I am doing well, I don’t feel like this. This is that different hurt. Workout pain feels good (relatively, anyway), while depression hurt is painful. It turned to pain whenever I moved. I could get myself going for short bursts, but as soon as I would stop, I felt like someone was trying to rip my limbs off my body. I could barely move without a good effort and then I would have to coast off the momentum until I could sit down again.

Today is the same way, but now, while causing a physical drain, my mind attacks me for being lazy. I am tired, exhausted, drained, hurting, and frustrated. Even if I find peace with sitting still, knowing its depression, not laziness, it lasts only for a small moment, coming back again to haunt me and drag me even further into the darkness.

I want to give into old habits, to give up on the fight… so far, I have held back, though I have come close. Addiction spurn forth, pushing forward as my new or reevaluated interests begin to fade.

I feel so weak, yet rational thinking tells me that despite all this negativity I have taken care of my children. Even if it is the bare essentials, I am still here with them. I feel so worthless…

From → My Journal

6 Comments
  1. i hope your ok, you are not alone. check out my latest blog, it may help you feel less alone in this

    • Thank you. As bad as I am now, I was much worse years ago.
      – It does get better, but like most invisible/chronic illnesses, better is relative.

      – I enjoyed your blog. I hope you keep up with it. Its nice to find others that “mirror” ourselves in many ways. Thank you.

      • Thankyou, its great to know I’m not alone in this, best wishes, I shall try and keep up with it, I am stunned that it has already reached a few people, I didn’t expect anything to come from it, just an outlet for me really.

  2. As long as it helps you, it doesn’t matter if anything else comes of it… that is just a bonus if it does. πŸ™‚

  3. Kurani Marsters permalink

    is it strange to say I enjoyed this post? not because I’m revelling in your pain, but that I know it all too well myself, and I’m always comforted somehow knowing I’m not alone in all this. You are worth more than you’ll ever realise, no matter what your mind tells you. Your mind can be depressed, and those thoughts belong to your mind. You are not your mind or your thoughts. Sounds weird I know. But that way of perceiving things has gotten me through some incredibly tough times. It never ceases to amaze me how people with anxiety and depression display so much courage and strength, but rarely recognise it. You’re strong, courageous and awesome.

    • No, I don’t find it strange that you can relate. I also find it… refreshing to know that I am not alone. Thank you.
      Its also helpful to know that I am not alone in thinking that Mind and Self are two different aspects of myself. Its hard to explain without sounding like I am trying to say I have a Multiple Personality Disorder or something to that effect.

      Thank you, again. πŸ™‚

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