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August 3, 2017

Mood: Depressed
– Suicidal Ideations

Sleep: Sleeping
Food: Whatever I feel like

Energy: None
Motivation: None
Ambition: None

Libido: Roller Coaster
– Porn Addiction: Roller Coaster

Therapy: Missed Last Appointment
Med Compliance: Waiting to see Psychiatrist

Conscience: Fighting
– Growing Stronger

I have had a few rough weeks. I wish I could say something happened, mainly because then things would make sense.

I have been dealing with Bi-Polar Disorder most of my life and still I get blindsided and confused. I mentioned nothing happened, but I still feel worthless and useless. For the first time in years I began having suicidal ideations and I am scared.

I have had thoughts about how before, that unfortunately comes with the illness and a near daily basis, but these had an intensity behind them. I tried my skills and they were a no go. Yeah, I could maybe distract myself for a short time, but I don’t have the energy to keep going with a particular activity, especially when I have zero interest in it.

So I talked to my wife and called a friend. She came over and has been sitting with me for the last few days in an attempt to keep myself from the hospital. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the hospital, it probably would help a lot. But its unfamiliar as I haven’t been to the Psychiatric floor at this one. I have met the counselors and some of the staff while doing Partial Hospitalization but I have never been in the in-patient side and its still unfamiliar.

My dad took my kids, so I hope they are having fun. Its a roller coaster, though. I can be doing great one moment and the next I am thinking about how much everything is crushing me and that I might as well be dead. I am scared to die, I don’t want to die. I believe life is a gift from Jehovah and should not be thrown away, and its that belief that gets me through it… but I am still scared that there will be that one time I don’t listen. I am scared because I believe I have squandered my life and that it is worthless to everyone, so what’s the point of being here. I KNOW better, but its what I FEEL.

I get angry (which doesn’t help) because it does seem like a majority of people I once thought understood or at least were trying to understand, don’t. That while I have the ability to defeat my addiction, my illness doesn’t let it go… that my illness keeps it around, so to truly get rid of it I need to get rid of my illness, but that will never happen. So I am worthless.

I did do the text chat with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and that helped a little. He was a bit strong (It does seem like some things are from a script) but I didn’t feel put off or like it meant the volunteer didn’t care. I recommend calling if you need to… if not the lifeline then a trusted friend or family member… if not them then someone… even now I feel like I am suffocating and alone, in darkness that presses in on me to my very core… but that doesn’t mean that those feelings are reality… they are real, yes, in that that is HOW YOU FEEL… but feelings don’t mean reality. There is someone who cares, even if they don’t know you. Despite the hatred and stand-offish majority, there are people that will help no matter what… so find help. It sucks that its one more thing WE have to do when we have so little energy left, but use that last bit of remaining energy to get help.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or even the next five minutes…

From → My Journal Redux

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