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January 9, 2018

Once there was a time I was without the storms… I think. My memories are fading, even new ones. I never know if they are true or fantastical, a replacement as best as my mind can remember, or maybe some diabolical piece of depression that makes the present that much more unpleasant.

I am functional, as well as I can be. I am getting the bare minimum of my chores done, family fed, and kids to school. I don’t feel functional, but I LOOK functional and that bothers me a lot. I feel judged by what I look like than what is truth. I am losing strength, motivation, and energy. Even when I mentally feel well, my body is paying the price for pushing through so many past days. Muscles ache and burn just because I wake up, my bones feel like twigs, and my skin prickles at the slightest breeze.

I did finally get an anti-anxiety medicine that helps. That help is welcome but also not complete. The medicine takes the edge off while having a panic/anxiety attack (which is less attack and more constant state of being) but the physical effects are unaffected. My chest will sear with pain, muscles become so tense I feel rigid and stiff, my limbs barely able to move.

At home I feel comfortable, a bubble from the rest of the world, but also a bubble that is constantly popped with the comings and goings of the outside world. Noise is bothersome and not just annoying but like someone grating a fork over my brain. My relief from life is video games, a lifeline that I have come to over rely on to get me through the day, much like sleep does for others.

I know I will get better, the blessing of Bi-Polar. I also know this is “normal” for me and it WILL happen again once I am better, the curse of Bi-Polar. Unfortunately, while my mental state will shift, it has taken so much from me physically I am exhausted no matter how I feel.

Such is the cycle…

From → My Journal

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